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If I Were Ever a Character in a Daytime Soap Opera

1. I will never worry about my appearance as I will always look fabulous, unless it is a part of the plot that for some reason I should look terrible & then get a make-over.

2. If I should become pregnant, I will have no idea who the father is
Dissenting options:
2.A. If I am married and already have at least 2 children, the father of the child I am currently having is probably not my husband‘s.
2.B. If I am married and this is my first child, assuming my husband and I were high school sweethearts, then my child will inevitably be my husband’s.
2.C. If I have been having memory lapses leading up to my pregnancy, then the child will most likely be the progeny of my true love’s arch nemesis.

3. If I should, for some reason, murder my husband, it won’t really matter as I was in love with his twin anyway.
Dissenting options:
3.A. If I should, for some reason, murder my husband, viewers can rightfully assume it was for the money.
3.B. If I should, for some reason, murder my husband, I can truthfully claim that I was *framed.
* lost my memory
* my evil twin
* under hypnosis
* under mind control
* never really married to him, but rather his twin anyway
* self defense, it was really my husband’s evil twin who was trying to kill me for no apparent reason/nondescript motive for revenge

4. My hair will not only look perfect at all times, but if I should be hanging upside down for any reason, it will also defy gravity.

5. All of my attire/outfits will be at the height of fashion and look utterly fabulous on me.

6. I will graduate both high school and college at record speed.

7. Upon my graduation from college/high school I will start working at a large company doing a job for which I have no qualifications, being paid far more than I deserve, and I will never have to do any actual work.

8. I will never be fired from my job unless it is a minor plot twist.

9. If I should lose my job, I will either get my old job back or get a new and better job within two weeks, or I will start my own company within a month.

10. I will be able to wear high heels for days at a time and my feet will never get sore.
Dissenting option:
10.A. My foot wear, no matter how uncomfortable looking, will not affect my balance at all.

11. I will, at all times, whether I go to a nail salon or not, have both a manicure and a pedicure. My nails will always look fabulous.

12. I will never sweat, even after running through the jungle, making my way across a desert, then climbing a mountain, and hiking back to town, as it is unseemly for a woman to sweat.

13. I will have a fainting spell every few months.

14. If I should die, there will be no need to worry, I will be brought back in a later episode anyway.
Dissenting option:
14.A. If I should die, there will be no need to worry, I faked it all and I am still alive and well sitting on a gigantic Swiss bank account whilst I soak lazily in the hot tub of a penthouse suite at a luxury hotel somewhere in the Cayman Islands sipping a margarita.
14.B. If I should die, there will be no need to worry, I simply lost my memory and I am alive and well, living with a lovely family in southern France who has mistaken me for the daughter they lost 15 years ago.

15. I will always remember that self-sacrifice is not only a virtue but also a sin, especially in my line of work--too bad I don’t know what that line of work is.

16. No one will have any idea what it is I actually do for a living, myself included--provided I do anything at all.

17. At some point I will inevitably disguise myself as a man and ruin the lives of everyone I hate. Conversely, I will accidentally ruin the lives of everyone I love as well...

18. I will get back at my arch nemesis by faking my own death, framing them for it, then kidnapping their newborn baby and raising it as my own. That’ll teach ‘em to mess with me!

19. I will be filthy rich, and everyone I know will be filthy rich, unless it is a part of the plot that I am not. In which case I need only wait for the riches to come as they inevitably will in a later episode.

20. I will never need to wear a watch, even if I have a tight schedule, as I will always be on time unless my lateness is a part of the plot or a cute personality quirk.

21. I will never worry about the bills getting paid because not only am I rich, I never receive a bill in the mail.

22. I will turn making “mountains out of mole hills” into not only a way of life, but an art form.

23. I will never get fat, especially if I’m pregnant.

24. Every time I try to get married, something will go horribly wrong and it will probably involve someone’s evil twin and a nondescript motive for revenge.

25. I will get married or fall in love at least once every two seasons.

26. If I have any daughters, they will look just like me, and all my sons will either look just like me or their father, whomever their father might be.

27. My true love will look more like he should be my twin brother than my boyfriend.
Dissenting Option:
27. A. My true love will probably turn out to be my long lost twin brother. Ew.

28. Any love interest I have will either be spoken for, related to or working for my arch nemesis, related to me (ew!), will hate me, or be overprotective of me.

29. Any relationship I have will be highly codependent.

30. I will remember to never have a serious love interest.

31. If I should die, disappear, lapse into a coma, or lose my memory, I will remember to not get upset when I come back to life, return, wake up, or regain my memory because my serious love interest/true love has shacked up with that whore I hate. I would have done the same thing if I were in his place.

32. Once I reach the age of 30, I will stop aging altogether until I am at least 65, at which point, I will begin to look like Betty White. Within the span of 3 episodes I will be Betty’s clone.

33. The only mail I will ever receive are ransom letters, love letters, and hate mail.

34. I will never need to wear glasses, if I do, it will tie directly into me meeting my true love.

35. Shortly after meeting my true love, my glasses will mysteriously disappear and I will no longer need them, unless they are my character’s cute personality quirk.

36. When attempting to rain down destruction on my enemies, I will endeavor to not only keep my plans secret, I will also hire competent help, and I will hire more than one henchman, but no lackies.

37. I will remember to enable the firewall on my computer.

38. If I go on a boat, there will probably be some kind of serious accident where either myself, my love interest, my best friend, or my sibling is seriously injured, fallen overboard, kidnapped by pirates, eaten by a shark, or killed while trying to repair the engine that will inevitably break down for no apparent reason or by sabotage.

39. I will, at no time, find it weird that the people around me and myself are constantly getting into and out of dangerous life-threatening situations, coming back from the dead, losing or regaining their memory, losing or reuniting with their child, sibling or lost love, or can never seem to have a healthy mature adult relationship with anyone that doesn’t seem to go horribly awry.

40. I will wear white at my wedding, even if I’ve been married 23 times already.

41. If it is my first wedding and I am not a virgin and I am marrying someone other than the person I lost my virginity to, I will still wear white, but I will make a huge moral dilemma out of it--even though the dress shop only stocks WHITE wedding dresses.

42. If I am ever convicted of a crime and sentenced to death, the charges will be overturned or I will receive a last minute stay of execution.
Dissenting Option:
42.A. If I am ever convicted of a crime and sentenced to death, I will die by lethal injection, but it won’t matter because I’ll come back in a later episode and claim it was my long lost twin who took the fall for me.
Dissenting Option, Dissenting Option:
42.A.1. If I am ever convicted of a crime and sentenced to death and I die by lethal injection, I will come back as a ghost/displaced spirit, haunt the dreams of my true love and claim that I was framed until they get of their lazy ass and prove to everyone that I didn’t do it, at which point, my spirit will finally find rest.

What would you do if you were ever a character in a daytime soap opera? Send me an e-mail and let me know. I'll post it--provided it's PG-13, that is.